Well, the back is still killing me and that jitter in my drawing hand is still there. It's been two weeks since I've been off caffeine and I still shake as much as I have before. Simply put... I cannot draw.
For anyone who knows me in any way whatsoever, you know how I feel about it.
I've done all I can do and I've done all the swearing, brush and paper throwing and crying I can do. I'm pretty much empty inside. I've been drawing since I was a kid and now it's just not there anymore. Not the way I'm happy with at least.
I've had support from my wife and friends, but I don't think they understand truly what I'm going through. This is such a loss to me on an emotional and spiritual level. I just don't see it improving. Every time I pick up a pencil or brush, that shake is right there. Lily will tell me it looks fine, but it doesn't help.
I called my sister to tell her what was going on and she doesn't get it either. She's going through a divorce and every time I tried to talk to her about it, the conversation went to what an asshole her husband is. Yeah, I get it. I hung up and wished I could've had some support there. But my own family doesn't look for my book. That has always hurt, but I really feel like I'm going through this alone. I don't want to hear it's going to get better, I want to SEE it getting better.
The fact is, I see that shaky line everywhere on the page. I feel it as I make the line itself and it kills me when I look at my page.
And then I got the numbers on my TSSTG ARCHIVE COLLECTION:
Image has lost two grand on it. I guess the public has officially spoken.
This was the book I was hoping Image would make money on. Every issue they've published has lost money for them. Add this to my health issues and I'm ready to tie myself to a boulder and push it off a bridge.