From the mind of Tom Beland

Creator of True Story Swear to God

Thursday, January 24, 2008


Y'know something..? Sometimes this world gets more fucking nuts with each rotation around the sun.

Dana Jacobson got fucked over by something bigger than Jesus. She got reamed by Disney, ESPN, Notre Dame and the Catholic Church itself.

Dana is the co-host of the morning show on ESPN called "First Take." It's a show where there's a lot of debate over the current topic of the day. It's nothing great, nothing earth-shattering to say the least. But, since there's nothing else on the tube when I'm drawing or writing in the morning, what the hell.

Jacobson is a very likable person. Nice delivery, she gets into the debates and she's cute. What I like about her, as a viewer... and as a sports fan in particular, is that she doesn't hold back on who she roots for in sports. She's a loyal Michigan Wolverine fan and often tells her co-host, who's an Ohio State guy, where to put his Buckeye.

And this is important to me, if she's going to be on an opinion show based on sports. Bring it. And she often does.

Soooo.... what's the big deal about Dana Jacobson..?

The big deal, according to Disney, ESPN, Notre Dame and the Catholic Church, is that Dana Jacobson is not a stand-up comedian. She's never been on Def Comedy Jam, or seen in an episode of Who's Line is it Anyway? She's not Robin Williams, or Dave Chappelle, or Will Farrell.

And I've never heard Dana reminisce on end about opening for Don Rickles at the Punchline in San Francisco. I've never seen her humor mistaken with that of, say Patton Oswalt.

So, who was the incredibly stoned dumb-fuck who asked Jacobson to be a part of a celebrity roast for the guys over at Mike & MIke in the Morning? Whoever it was who signed off on this roast, while inviting religious people to attend, is a bigger idiot than Chris Webber when he called that infamous time-out in the NCAA Finals.

I'm sure this is how it all went down:

ESPN: Hey Dana! You're popular... doing anything next week?

Jacobson: Ummm.... no. Just going to cheer the Packers when they play the Giants. Why do you ask?

ESPN: We're going to do something nutty for Mike & Mike's 10-year anniversary. We're going to roast them in front of an audience. Wanna be a part of this?

Jacobson: Hmmm... I'm afraid I'm not sure what a roast is, Mr. ESPN.

ESPN: Oh yeah, that's right... you're not a professional comedian, I forgot. Well, what happens is, we get a lot of their friends together, serve a SHITLOAD of free alcohol and then you get to insult them in front of everyone. It's always a fun time and you can tear them apart. It's a hoot!

Jacobson: I'm not sure, Mr. ESPN... I'm a talk show host... not a comedian. What am I allowed to say?

ESPN: Whatever you want! That's the beauty of it! The raunchier you are the funnier it is! C'mon, Dana, join in on the fun!!

Jacobson: Mmmmm.... okay! Sounds like fun!! You sure I can say whatever I want..?

ESPN: Dana, we love you. You're a part of the ESPN family and we'd never ask you to do something that would hurt your career.

Jacobson: I've been meaning to ask you... whatever happened to Harold Reynolds..?
ESPN: Who..?

So Dana shows up to the party, has a ton of drinks, like EVERYBODY ELSE on the stage and is called upon to do her bit at the mic. And THAT'S where the magic begins. THAT'S why putting a microphone in an amateur's hand is like putting a loaded gun into the hand of a 5-year old.

A drunken 5-year old.

Jacobson found her inner Chris Rock and began a profanity-driven tirade, which included her screaming in a loud blotto'd voice:


Hey sports fans... guess who failed to notify Jacobson that there'd be someone from the church sitting in the audience..? And guess who blew up like a volcano and now wants Jacobson fired?

That's right... it's THOSE WACKY, NUTTY CATHOLICS!!!! YAYYY!!!
You know those people, right..? Those are the ones who are okay paying out victims of sexual abuse to protect their priests, but cannot and WILL NOT accept the apology of a drunken who-the-hell-is-that-anchorwoman doing what every comedian is allowed to do at a roast.

And, trust me, I know of this situation. There was a priest at the church I attended, St. Thomas Aquinus in Napa Valley back in the late '70's. He appeared to be a great person, he loved opera, gardening and he was always welcome in our family home. He joined us for dinner on many a night and he gave the service at my father's funeral. And this is the priest who sexually assaulted a member of my own family was transferred to the east coast the very night they were confronted with the charges.

Where was the Catholic League when we were trying to get over not only the death of a parent, while the other parent was ill, but had to now face the nightmare of a trusted church leader doing something this horrible.

This is why I dropped out of organized religion, entirely. Because it didn't matter that I went to church every week, that I served mass as an altar boy for years and then became a youth minister... it didn't prevent something as despicable as sexual assault to hit our family. And it was from our priest. And nothing... and I mean NOTHING happened to him, other than a transfer to another unsuspecting congregation.
If these are the people who are responsible for interpret the Bible... then I prefer to walk this world on my own, thank you. When we get a letter in the mail from the Pope, asking me for my forgiveness for doing nothing about the man who shattered our world back then, then maybe I'll rethink my views of the Catholic church.

And kudos to ESPN for fumbling the ball on the one-yard line. This was someone who wasn't on the air, who was at a function where alcohol was chugged left and right and, yeah, she said something shocking to some. But she did apologize, which the Catholic League wouldn't accept. And yet... isn't forgiveness the thing Jesus preached the most?

Wouldn't it have been more inspiring for the Catholic Leaders to go on the air and say, "hey, she was drunk and it was a frat-house mentality at that party." Wouldn't it have been amazing to see those leaders forgive her without asking for a reprimand..? Man, I would've been impressed.

If the church isn't going to follow the examples of Jesus Christ, then who the hell SHOULD? But ESPN, in their infinite lack of wisdom canned Jacobson for two weeks. Wow. Thanks boss.

Why not suspend the guy who thought up this brilliant roast idea? Why not suspend the bartender, who was getting everyone so sloshed? Why not suspend Mike and Mike for being in the business for ten years?

It's just so fucking ridiculous. Go after the real criminals and quit wasting your time on alcohol-driven rants.

Sorry for the rant. I'm passionate about this.

1 comment:

Randy said...

Not disappointed about the behavior of the Catholic League... a bigger group of hypocritical scumfucks you will not find, outside of maybe Revered Whats-his-name who pickets funerals of military men (and Heath Ledger) with God hates fags rhetoric. It's just what I expect from them.

Disappointed in ESPN for giving in, though... do what everybody else does when the Catholic League pipes up, tell them to shut the fuck up and clean their own house up before they come and mess with yours.

And this kind of thing, btw, is why I gave up on organized religion as a teen. Nothing as personally affecting as what happened to your family (and I wish I believed in Hell, so I could believe that priest was gonna burn there), but I saw enough hypocrisy and mean-spiritedness and judgmental bullshit that I realized I didn't want anything to do with it.

Anyway, just wanted to chime in with some sympathetic righteous anger... this kind of thing drives me up a fucking wall.